She.

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She is eager to please. A smile permanently plastered upon her face in the presence of others, regardless of how her mind knows differently. Constantly working on overdrive, her thoughts unravel like a piece of old cloth, struggling to cling onto the last row of stitching before the next begins to fall.

She is creative; sees potential in which so many do not. Her ideas are original, yet her smile does not let them pass. Her constant fear of judgement has been with her since childhood and although she won’t admit it out loud, it frustrates her to no end.

She is passive. Rather than speak her truth, she will let hurtful words bury themselves deep within her skin, her soul. She won’t admit this out loud, but she has inherited this trait from her mother.

She finds the most pleasure in being alone. Surrounded by the musical poetry of others, a place she can get lost in stories of others, often relating them to her own experiences.

She knows she can count the number of true friends she has on one hand and it does not bother her one bit. She is also afraid that her true friends will never actually know the real her. The girl she is inside her mind as opposed to the girl they see.

She has never known romance. Although she likes to think she knowsΒ aboutΒ it. She is afraid she may never experience love in the way it should be experienced. In fact, it is probably the most frightening thing which currently clogs her mind and has been for many years.

She craves affection, love, appreciation and acceptance from everyone. She knows life could be so much more than what it is, but she is too afraid to start a new chapter for fear of the unknown.

She wants so much on the inside but expects so little on the outside.

She will be free.Β 

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The Difference A Year Can Make

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Well, well, well…guess who’s back?!

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Y’know…in case you didn’t get it already.

That’s right ladies and gents, I’m back, I’m blogging and I am better than ever!

A little over a year ago I began this blog as a way to find some routine and normality during what was a chaotic few months. I had been made redundant from my job of 5 years and along with the regular feelings of anxiety and self-doubt that I was already experiencing came a new level of scared and stressed. Fear of the unknown took over my ability to see things in a positive light. But writing posts on this blog managed to calm me and helped me see the broader picture: that Everything Was Going To Be Alright.

Soon enough, I found a new job with amazing people who pushed me to speak up more and challenged me to put myself out there again in a way that I had never really done before. Before long, my confidence grew – I knew what I was capable of and knew that what I had been doing for the past 5 years was just a test for the year ahead. I never realised how stagnant I was in my job and how little growth I had until I started a new chapter, looked back and re-evaluated everything I thought I knew about my life and myself as a person.

Back in October I had a special birthday brunch with my old workmates. It was a beautiful morning and just as we were all saying goodbye to each other, a few of my ex-coworkers remarked on how confident I had become within myself and among others. It wasn’t until that moment that I realised what a blessing it had been to be let go from my job all those months ago. It lead me to a new sense of purpose and a new level of inner peace that I hadn’t felt in many years.

October was 5 months ago and now, here I am. I’m still at the same job, working in a new department with a bunch of incredibly strong, funny and caring women. These women look out for each other – I am yet to see any of them turn on each other during stressful moments (trust me, there have been some stressful moments!) – and they inspire me to also be a better, stronger, more powerful woman.

My goals for 2017 include moving out of my childhood home, purchasing an upgrade to my current car, travel more to my favourite places around AustraliaΒ (America/Europe/The UK will have to wait for the time being), make more time for my friends…and to continue learning that I cannot change people’s reactions towards others. The only thing I can do is be conscious of my reactions towards others.

I want my writing to reach more of you this year and to find others to talk with about the things I deal with. I want to write more about my own experiences as well as incorporate my love of storytelling and reviewing of entertainment into my posts.

So, you never really know what you’re going to get from me this year. I can only promise that I will try to be truthful with my words – after all, words are all I have for you all.

Looking forward to whatever 2017 brings. If you want to talk some more, visit me over on my Twitter, Instagram or find me on Snapchat (username: melissapisan).

Let’s make 2017 better than we ever imagined!

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